Dec. 6th, 2007 09:56 am
ste_noni: (Default)
[personal profile] ste_noni
Last night, after I had fed Ellie dinner and washed the dishes, and walked the dogs (Joe was still at work), I sat down with her and read Mother Goose and had a glass of wine (actually a glass and a half but it was a small glass). I realized part way through that I was trying to finish it before Joe got home because I didn't want him to give me a hard time about it. I don't exactly know that he would have, but it reminded me of a conversation we had a week ago.

I'm vaguely worried that I don't already love this baby the way I love Ellie. I feel like I should, because I think I already loved Ellie an awful lot before she was born. But, and I know this for sure, I loved her way more after I had actually met her. So, in a way, it seems unfair to expect me to love this baby the way I love her when I've never met him and only have the idea of him in my head.

I shared this all with Joe and he was genuinely concerned that I would love this baby less *because* he is a boy. I told him I didn't think that was true but he pointed out that I've taken all sorts of "risks" that I didn't take with Ellie - drinking wine, drinking more caffeine, and eating way more chocolate/sugar/not so healthy foods.

Anyway, this got me thinking about pregnancy and how it really is two experiences - yes, there is a baby at the end of it, but it's also an experience for the mother. With Ellie, I had nothing to worry about but school, Joe's safety, and being healthy. I was under a lot of stress, but I also had a ton of time alone. My day was go to school in the morning, drive home, have lunch, nap for two hours, walk the dogs, eat dinner, watch TV for 3 hours and go to bed. Lonely, but also lots of time for me. Now, I feel pulled in many directions and my body is usually what suffers. I don't sleep as much, exercise as much, or eat as well.

My hope, and I think it's a pretty realistic one, is that all these "risks" I've taken might affect me, but I don't think they will affect the baby in anyway. I abstained from all that stuff to make *me* feel like I was doing something, but I doubt it affected Ellie that much if at all.

I feel the same way about my doctor appointments. I looked forward and counted the days to each of Ellie's appointments. This time, they are more of a chore - something that eats up my precious leave time and takes away from the total amount of money I will get from this job before I leave.

I'm at work and I'm supposed to be working and there's a 70 year old woman waiting for me so I can't really take the time to be more coherent. I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm way more ambivalent about this pregnancy, but I don't think (I hope) that this will translate to ambivalence about the baby.

I went in for my 30 week appt. today. Baby is fine, probably head down. Blood pressure is great which relieves some of my fears about my recent edema. Ellie was sort of ambivalent about listening to the baby's heartbeat but very proud of mommy for not crying at the doctors. (I took her because I didn't have time to drop her off and get to the appt. on time. I think it was good for her to see that the doctor is not always scary and I'm hoping the heartbeat thing will help her in her growing realization that there is a baby in mommy's tummy.)
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