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Apr. 9th, 2005 09:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ste_noni I just got off the phone with DH. A few weeks ago, he mentioned wanting someone from his family to come out here for the baby's birth. He said he thought he needed support and he was really nervous about birth. I told him that a) no one else is going to be at the hospital but him and my mom (and her only because she's flying in in case DH doesn't make it) and b) there's no room at our house and even if there was, he has less than 14 days with his daughter and I don't want him running off to get the guests coffee or donuts or something. So the bottom line was, I really didn't want anyone else flying out to visit us while he was here.
Just now he suggested perhaps instead of a family member (because his family visiting is always stressful) that maybe one of his (older) female friends could come instead. WTF??? I don't get where this is coming from. The absolute last thing I want is some person I don't know that well flying in to "support" him while I'm in labor. It seems so strange to me and his reasons (I'm there to support you but there's no one there to support me) just don't make sense.
I'm trying so hard to allow room for his feelings, but *I* am the one pushing out the baby. How hard can it be for those who are simply observing?
But I need to keep talking about this so...
I don't get this. I mean, I've definitely had my moments of nervousness, fear, and feelings of inadequacy as I've thought about this upcoming L&D experience. It's scary and the only thing I have to compare it (my miscarriage) wasn't all that pleasant. BUT, I know lots of women who have had babies just fine. I'll be at a great hospital, the NICU is less than 100 ft. from the birthing rooms, and I'm well prepared. I'm certain I will live through this, and barring some bizarre confluence of events, the baby should too. So, the only thing left to be afraid of is stuff like pain, what will my body be like afterwards, and will I be able to nurse/be a good mom/etc. So those are my fears, but I'm doing everything I can now to mitigate them.
I'm hurt that he wants to invite a 3rd person into what I see as a very private bonding time of me, him, and baby. My mom will be there, but only because Joe won't be there until the last minute. And I know her and I know she will give us as much space as I ask her to. In fact, she was around when my miscarriage started and left because she thought it was something the two of us should deal with as a couple. I can't believe that he wants some friend, including one I've never even met, to come out here.
My husband is freaking out, IMO. He seems really worried about labor. I see at least two possibilities:
1. He *says* he's worried about seeing me in pain. I'm worried about being in pain, but this is the way I want it. I may change my mind, but it's still ultimately my decision, I think. Perhaps I should discuss with him more about *why* it's important to me - I guess it's possible he has missed out on this since he hasn't been around and can't go to class with me. I sent him a book, which he says he read, but maybe we should talk about this more.
2. I suppose that he may be more worried about being a dad. He had a rough childhood and has always worried about being a good father. I know that he will be a great dad, but I also understand his concerns. Maybe he's just pouring all his fathering fears into birth.
I'm sure that his being so far away is a huge factor in all this. I don't really understand how it factors in to his feelings, but I'm sure it's there. When I explained to him how I felt about having a friend there, he said okay, fine, it's a dead issue. But we really never talked about why he feels this need and I still don't get it. I hate trying to talk about important stuff like this over the phone. He can never talk for more than 20 minutes or so, and you just can't get into this sort of thing in such a short time.
Just now he suggested perhaps instead of a family member (because his family visiting is always stressful) that maybe one of his (older) female friends could come instead. WTF??? I don't get where this is coming from. The absolute last thing I want is some person I don't know that well flying in to "support" him while I'm in labor. It seems so strange to me and his reasons (I'm there to support you but there's no one there to support me) just don't make sense.
I'm trying so hard to allow room for his feelings, but *I* am the one pushing out the baby. How hard can it be for those who are simply observing?
But I need to keep talking about this so...
I don't get this. I mean, I've definitely had my moments of nervousness, fear, and feelings of inadequacy as I've thought about this upcoming L&D experience. It's scary and the only thing I have to compare it (my miscarriage) wasn't all that pleasant. BUT, I know lots of women who have had babies just fine. I'll be at a great hospital, the NICU is less than 100 ft. from the birthing rooms, and I'm well prepared. I'm certain I will live through this, and barring some bizarre confluence of events, the baby should too. So, the only thing left to be afraid of is stuff like pain, what will my body be like afterwards, and will I be able to nurse/be a good mom/etc. So those are my fears, but I'm doing everything I can now to mitigate them.
I'm hurt that he wants to invite a 3rd person into what I see as a very private bonding time of me, him, and baby. My mom will be there, but only because Joe won't be there until the last minute. And I know her and I know she will give us as much space as I ask her to. In fact, she was around when my miscarriage started and left because she thought it was something the two of us should deal with as a couple. I can't believe that he wants some friend, including one I've never even met, to come out here.
My husband is freaking out, IMO. He seems really worried about labor. I see at least two possibilities:
1. He *says* he's worried about seeing me in pain. I'm worried about being in pain, but this is the way I want it. I may change my mind, but it's still ultimately my decision, I think. Perhaps I should discuss with him more about *why* it's important to me - I guess it's possible he has missed out on this since he hasn't been around and can't go to class with me. I sent him a book, which he says he read, but maybe we should talk about this more.
2. I suppose that he may be more worried about being a dad. He had a rough childhood and has always worried about being a good father. I know that he will be a great dad, but I also understand his concerns. Maybe he's just pouring all his fathering fears into birth.
I'm sure that his being so far away is a huge factor in all this. I don't really understand how it factors in to his feelings, but I'm sure it's there. When I explained to him how I felt about having a friend there, he said okay, fine, it's a dead issue. But we really never talked about why he feels this need and I still don't get it. I hate trying to talk about important stuff like this over the phone. He can never talk for more than 20 minutes or so, and you just can't get into this sort of thing in such a short time.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-04-09 07:25 am (UTC)I'm sure that the "seeing your wife in pain" is a hard thing. It's weird, because I always depend on Joe to make me feel better and I know I haven't spent much time thinking about his feelings in this process. Part of me is mad at him for not being like all the other dads in my class - they all seem okay with it and they seem to be viewing this as a two-person experience. I haven't seen any of them asking for support. Of course, there's a reason Joe is not in class. Neither of us gets the benefit of him going to class. I get angry at times that he's not here and even though I *know* it's not his fault, I suspect that I am at least a little angry at him for not being here. Totally unfair, but maybe not so unexepected.
Also, we have been trying to have a baby for over two years. I spent a lot of time during those years thinking about exactly how I wanted everything. I'm pretty sure he hasn't (and I think he was healthier for it). So, maybe it's not so weird that I am more at ease with what will happen than he is.
Anyway, thanks for listening/responding.