semi-cross-post with b.org

[ste_noni]

I just got off the phone with DH. A few weeks ago, he mentioned wanting someone from his family to come out here for the baby's birth. He said he thought he needed support and he was really nervous about birth. I told him that a) no one else is going to be at the hospital but him and my mom (and her only because she's flying in in case DH doesn't make it) and b) there's no room at our house and even if there was, he has less than 14 days with his daughter and I don't want him running off to get the guests coffee or donuts or something. So the bottom line was, I really didn't want anyone else flying out to visit us while he was here.

Just now he suggested perhaps instead of a family member (because his family visiting is always stressful) that maybe one of his (older) female friends could come instead. WTF??? I don't get where this is coming from. The absolute last thing I want is some person I don't know that well flying in to "support" him while I'm in labor. It seems so strange to me and his reasons (I'm there to support you but there's no one there to support me) just don't make sense.

I'm trying so hard to allow room for his feelings, but *I* am the one pushing out the baby. How hard can it be for those who are simply observing?

But I need to keep talking about this so...

I don't get this. I mean, I've definitely had my moments of nervousness, fear, and feelings of inadequacy as I've thought about this upcoming L&D experience. It's scary and the only thing I have to compare it (my miscarriage) wasn't all that pleasant. BUT, I know lots of women who have had babies just fine. I'll be at a great hospital, the NICU is less than 100 ft. from the birthing rooms, and I'm well prepared. I'm certain I will live through this, and barring some bizarre confluence of events, the baby should too. So, the only thing left to be afraid of is stuff like pain, what will my body be like afterwards, and will I be able to nurse/be a good mom/etc. So those are my fears, but I'm doing everything I can now to mitigate them.

I'm hurt that he wants to invite a 3rd person into what I see as a very private bonding time of me, him, and baby. My mom will be there, but only because Joe won't be there until the last minute. And I know her and I know she will give us as much space as I ask her to. In fact, she was around when my miscarriage started and left because she thought it was something the two of us should deal with as a couple. I can't believe that he wants some friend, including one I've never even met, to come out here.

My husband is freaking out, IMO. He seems really worried about labor. I see at least two possibilities:
1. He *says* he's worried about seeing me in pain. I'm worried about being in pain, but this is the way I want it. I may change my mind, but it's still ultimately my decision, I think. Perhaps I should discuss with him more about *why* it's important to me - I guess it's possible he has missed out on this since he hasn't been around and can't go to class with me. I sent him a book, which he says he read, but maybe we should talk about this more.
2. I suppose that he may be more worried about being a dad. He had a rough childhood and has always worried about being a good father. I know that he will be a great dad, but I also understand his concerns. Maybe he's just pouring all his fathering fears into birth.


I'm sure that his being so far away is a huge factor in all this. I don't really understand how it factors in to his feelings, but I'm sure it's there. When I explained to him how I felt about having a friend there, he said okay, fine, it's a dead issue. But we really never talked about why he feels this need and I still don't get it. I hate trying to talk about important stuff like this over the phone. He can never talk for more than 20 minutes or so, and you just can't get into this sort of thing in such a short time.

Comments

[vwbug.livejournal.com]

Oh, Steph, this is really hard. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this with him so far away. That just makes it even more difficult, and I'm sure it's factoring into his feelings.

When I first read your post, it reminded me of a quote from Everyone Loves Raymond..."Seeing you in pain is worse than you being in pain" or something like that. Anyway, apparently, Ray said this to his wife when she was in labor. I think that some fathers go through a lot during labor and the first few days/weeks, and the moms are so exhausted that they don't feel like they have anyone to talk to about it. Now, I have ABSOLUTELY NO personal experience with this...it's just things that I've heard. So, you can take this with a grain of salt. I just wonder if he has a lot of guilt surrounding not being able to be there, and maybe he needs someone to lean on about those issues because he doesn't want to burden you with them.

I think you are absolutely right, though, to not want anyone else there. And, I'm glad you've been able to express that to him...and he is hearing you, even if he's not understanding. I wish you guys didn't have to go through this crucial time so far apart. I can't imagine how difficult this is on both of you. Hugs to you both.

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs - I think my dogs are trying to express the same thing at the moment. (Dogs are just the greatest - they are both sitting on the couch with me at the moment. I swear they know when I'm feeling unhappy. Anyway...)

I'm sure that the "seeing your wife in pain" is a hard thing. It's weird, because I always depend on Joe to make me feel better and I know I haven't spent much time thinking about his feelings in this process. Part of me is mad at him for not being like all the other dads in my class - they all seem okay with it and they seem to be viewing this as a two-person experience. I haven't seen any of them asking for support. Of course, there's a reason Joe is not in class. Neither of us gets the benefit of him going to class. I get angry at times that he's not here and even though I *know* it's not his fault, I suspect that I am at least a little angry at him for not being here. Totally unfair, but maybe not so unexepected.

Also, we have been trying to have a baby for over two years. I spent a lot of time during those years thinking about exactly how I wanted everything. I'm pretty sure he hasn't (and I think he was healthier for it). So, maybe it's not so weird that I am more at ease with what will happen than he is.

Anyway, thanks for listening/responding.

[amy37.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine trying to communnicate about really personal things like this over the phone -- it must be so hard. And the feelings that lead up to having your first child (both yours and his) are so intense, he might be freaking out a little bit, not knowing what to expect. Books are great, but imagination can replace textbook scenarios with all kinds of horrible things.

Maybe he really doesn't know what it will be like -- if you'll be *there* to talk to him, or in too much pain, or too exhausted, etc. I agree completely that for *you*, having a strange woman in your house immediately after having your first baby is *not* something you'd want, but maybe he just needs some more reassurance that he's not going to need support as much as he'll want that honeymoon period of getting to know the baby and reacquainting himself with *you* after all this time away.

I wish I knew something more helpful to say, but I think vw is right -- being away from each other can't be easy , especially now, and I think that might be playing into what he's feeling right now. Many {{{hugs}}}.

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

I think one of the hard things is that he has lots of people telling him how crazy or difficult their wives were, but maybe not so many positive examples. I guess people are just like that, but I wish he had some more encouraging people to talk to. He told me this morning that he doesn't want to talk to guys there about this, but I know he has mentioned before things that people have told him.

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

I think all of the thoughts you have here are so well-expressed that maybe you should email this post to him!

As a practical matter, does he have any good male friends who are fathers, especially any who were there for the birth? If so, could you send them to talk to him, or suggest he talk to them? Male support may be useful for him at this point, and many men are bad at asking for support from each other.

You might also emphasize to him that the pain is (IME) more an exertion sort of pain, like running a marathon, than an injury sort of pain, like breaking a arm. Would he worry as much about watching you run a marathon? The after birth endorphins are just as spectacular!

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

I ended up sending Joe a long (really long!) e-mail about what I think will happen, how I want it to happen and what I want him to be there for. After explaining all that, I was able to be a bit more clear about why I was so upset about the idea of having some other person there. Hopefully, I'll get a response tomorrow.

Oh, and I totally stole your marathon example. I told him that the only way I was able actually jump out of the plane (when we went skydiving) was because he was with me. Then I went on to explain that while scary like skydiving, I expect birth to be a marathon-type experience. He was just fine when I ran the marathon and it was also painful/difficult. Both after we landed from the skydiving and after the marathon I couldn't shut up for about an hour, I was so high from the experience. Hopefully, he will remember and connect with those experiences.

[noumignon.livejournal.com]

I told him that the only way I was able actually jump out of the plane (when we went skydiving) was because he was with me. Then I went on to explain that while scary like skydiving, I expect birth to be a marathon-type experience.

This would make me want to be there more than anything.

[fufaraw]

You've gotten some really good feedback here, and I agree basically with everything flea says. Email him your post. It states your concerns most eloquently. And she's wise, too, recommending getting a friend of his who's a recent dad to talk to him, share experiences, and give opportunities for him to question and express his concerns.

And her exertion vs. broken pain analogy is a very good one, too. It may make a difference for him.

Good luck with this. I know being apart is dreadfully difficult.

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

Thanks - I did send him a long e-mail trying to get at how I was feeling and why I disliked his idea so much. I also suggested that he talk to his brother (who has two kids) or maybe a friend of our who is in Iraq right now. The friend is a great dad, with three daughters, and his wife is actually going to my birth classes with me. This guy outranks Joe, but he's a good fiend and pretty appraochable. Hopefully, they will talk.