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I'm supposed to be studying for the bar exam but I keep being interrupted by flashbacks and memories from the last time.  I'm plugging away, sort of, but I'm just not as motivated as I was the last time.  Of course, there are several reasons for that.  First, the last one cost me over $3K, mostly because I took a bar review course. I think for this one, I'm up to maybe $800.  Five years ago, Joe was deployed, Ellie was a newborn, and my dad put off heart surgery so my mom could stay with me while I studied.  So, you know, lots of pressure.  And this time, the stakes aren't as high since I'm already practicing law and the kind of law that I like.

But the main reason is the whole flashback thing.  Every time I open a book or answer a question, I'm flooded with memories of our house in North Carolina, looking out the back windows at the huge green canopy of trees, being 9 months pregnant with Ellie, sitting on the couch with a dog on either side, listening to a lecture, watching the Tour De France with my mom each day before cracking open a book, and on and on.  And of course then I find myself remembering how alone I was before my mom got there, Joe in Iraq (where he's headed again), a little tiny baby who changed my life, and so on. 

Overall, I'm so much happier than I was five years ago.  I wish I could explain how much giving birth changed how I view myself.  I just felt broken and like such a failure post-miscarriage.  I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it was huge.  And I was so angry.  I wanted nothing to do with babies or nurturing or anything soft like that.  And then I spent those nine months I was pregnant mostly alone.  Joe was deployed and I really turned inward.  But inward at that point meant Ellie - I didn't know her yet, but I had this amazing baby growing inside me and it saved me.  I don't know - I suppose it sounds kind of hokey, but I really think that having Ellie brought me back to who I was.  Now, five years later, I feel like me again.  Life is way more chaotic and messy, but I like it.  And passing the bar or not passing won't change that.  Which is maybe why I'm having such a hard time focusing.  But I really don't want to not pass so I guess I need to get cracking.


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June 2012

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