My Drive Home
Oct. 26th, 2004 06:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ste_noniMy last class of the day is Family Law. This means that I think about class the entire 60 minute drive home. Today, we continued our discussion of child custody after divorce. The topic is so sad I can hardly stand it. Every day we read another few cases where some parents can't live together anymore and are now fighting over who gets to see the kids how much. Someone always loses and usually, it's the kids. It just hurts me to read this stuff day after day.
Then, today on the way home, NPR had this piece about a 21 year woman who died in Iraq. She had a 6 yr old daughter and joined the guard to improve their lives. She died in a roadside bombing in Fallujah. The idea of losing a daughter breaks my heart, but the idea of losing my mom at age 6 brings tears to my eyes.
Finally, I don't know what it is, but I swear there are more dead animals on the side of the road here than anywhere else I've ever lived. Dead dogs, cats, deer, raccoons, possums, and so on. Everyday, I'm driving through more red guts smeared on the road.
None of this is my life - it's all someone else's lives. I know what I'm really so afraid of. J leaves for Iraq in 2.5 weeks. I'm so scared for us. I'm scared he will die in the desert. I'm scared he will be injured so badly that he will never be able to do the stuff he loves. I'm afraid that even if he comes home looking fine, that this war will do things to him - change him into someone I don't know. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it - that a year is too long and I'll just lost it somehow. I'm afraid that all our plans for our life we want to lead together will be ruined by this stupid war. The last time he went, it wasn't this bad. Maybe that's because we both believed in what he was doing. I can't say that now and it makes this so much harder.
And I don't want him to worry about me. He has so much to worry about already. When he's there, I don't want him driving around thinking about if I'm doing okay. I want him focussed on the road or the ground in front of him - paying attention for whatever threat might be out there.
Could someone just wake me when this is over?
Then, today on the way home, NPR had this piece about a 21 year woman who died in Iraq. She had a 6 yr old daughter and joined the guard to improve their lives. She died in a roadside bombing in Fallujah. The idea of losing a daughter breaks my heart, but the idea of losing my mom at age 6 brings tears to my eyes.
Finally, I don't know what it is, but I swear there are more dead animals on the side of the road here than anywhere else I've ever lived. Dead dogs, cats, deer, raccoons, possums, and so on. Everyday, I'm driving through more red guts smeared on the road.
None of this is my life - it's all someone else's lives. I know what I'm really so afraid of. J leaves for Iraq in 2.5 weeks. I'm so scared for us. I'm scared he will die in the desert. I'm scared he will be injured so badly that he will never be able to do the stuff he loves. I'm afraid that even if he comes home looking fine, that this war will do things to him - change him into someone I don't know. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it - that a year is too long and I'll just lost it somehow. I'm afraid that all our plans for our life we want to lead together will be ruined by this stupid war. The last time he went, it wasn't this bad. Maybe that's because we both believed in what he was doing. I can't say that now and it makes this so much harder.
And I don't want him to worry about me. He has so much to worry about already. When he's there, I don't want him driving around thinking about if I'm doing okay. I want him focussed on the road or the ground in front of him - paying attention for whatever threat might be out there.
Could someone just wake me when this is over?
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-27 06:53 am (UTC)