Frustration!!!

[ste_noni]

Well, first the good news. My trip to Colorado from graduation (leaving a week from today) is still on with the blessing of my midwife. I'm not having any sort of contractions and my cervix is still very closed.

Now, on to the frustrating part of my life, also titled:

Why do I want to be a lawyer again?

I'm hoping writing all this out will make me feel better and more on top of this.

The bar exam is 12 weeks from this last Tuesday. My due date is 5 weeks from yesterday. Joe should be home in about 4 weeks. All this combines to mean that I have about 10 weeks to study and, if I stay in schedule, 2 weeks to forget about the bar and just spend time with him and the baby.

I have this "proposed study schedule" from the bar review folks and it's 10 weeks long. This means that I have to keep up with it, and ideally even get ahead a bit, if I want to finish everything they think I should before the test. So far, I have had about 5-6 hours of studying a day. This sounds doable, but I keep finishing around 7-8 pm and it's driving me crazy.

I start every morning pretty responsibly - up by 7, working by 8:30. Then somewhere around noon, my designated break time, the plan breaks down. It's not like I'm sitting around watching TV - yesterday I had to go pick up Joe's car and mail packages, today I had a midwife appt, tomorrow, I have to go to this meeting that I agreed to go to. All this stuff ends up filling my afternoon, meaning that I don't finish my days work until late. This means that I don't eat dinner or get to relax until around 8 pm and this makes me crabby.

I think to be happy, I need to be done with my work by 5 pm. This should be possible, especially since it's only 5-6 hours of stuff, if I start at 8:30am. I guess one thing I need to do is not schedule stuff during my study days. Maybe on the days I have to do stuff, I could just start studying earlier. I know I will be happier if I get it all done before 2 pm or so, because I really work best in the morning. I think another option is to do the stuff I dislike the most (reading outlines and answering test questions) first, and then listening to lectures after. I'll have to get half a day ahead to do that, but maybe I can make that happen this weekend.

But here's my real fear. I don't know that what I'm doing is even helping. I have three hours of lecture to listen to every day, about 30-60 minutes of stuff to read, and another 30-60 minutes of essays to write and multiple choice questions. So I'm doing all these practice questions and essays but I don't feel truly on top of it. I've been doing criminal law this week but I'm not sure I would pass that portion of the test if I took it now. But if I don't get it now, when will I get it? Because there are about 20 other subjects coming down the path and I need to be able to pass ALL OF THEM.

I keep telling myself that I've never failed a test before, I've learned a fair amount in school, and that the reason I paid so much for this review course is because, if I do it, I will pass the test. I'm just afraid that I'm not retaining the information the way I should be. I went out and bought index cards today. I'm going to make them into flash cards and start working on memorization. That should allow me to be more solid on the essays and faster on the multiple choice.

But I'm frazzled after 4 days of this. I still have 9 weeks and 3 days to go. It shouldn't be this hard.

Comments

[vwbug.livejournal.com]

Arg! I feel your pain. Ok...this isn't anywhere near what you're dealing with, but I'm in the midst of finals' week, and it's gonna make me crazy soon. I too make schedules for myself, but even so, I'm fried. I have so much to get done, and it should be doable, but it's feeling very overwhelming. I even told my therapist tonight, "It's not like it's rocket science!"

If I'm having this much trouble, I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for you.

Oh, and if I haven't mentioned it lately, you are my HERO for doing this. All of it...the wife, the baby, the bar exam. You're one amazing woman.

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

Oh, and if I haven't mentioned it lately, you are my HERO for doing this.

Okay, this is going to sound sort of phony, but as I was typing, I was actually thinking to myself that if vw made it through her very tough semester with all her classes, incompletes, and other stuff, I should be able to survive the next 12 weeks. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I know it helps me to know that there are other people out there who know that I am *supposed* to be getting X amount of stuff during the day.

I'm going to work on time management tomorrow through Sunday and see if I feel better about the week come Monday.

[vwbug.livejournal.com]

It doesn't sound phony at all. Thanks for sharing. It makes my example feel less pathetic :). You're gonna survive it. And at the end, not only are you going to have this amazing, beautiful baby, but you're going to have your law degree. And think of the stories you'll be able to tell for years to come!

[minim_calibre]

If things get overwhelming, can you postpone the bar, or is this a must--do-now sort of thing? (I am learning to never underestimate the amount of time a baby will take.)

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

I can always wait until February, whcih is the next time they offer it. I have told myself, though, that if anyone ever had an excuse to fail gracefully, I do. I'll be embarassed if I fail, but that's the only real consequence.

[minim_calibre]

Studying may prove to be a PITA, once the baby arrives.

The good news is, all that brain power that seems to vanish with pregnancy comes back. The bad news is, of course, you'll lack the time to do anything with it! But, if you have enough help and a good nursing pillow, you should be able to manage.

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

That's one of the reasons I'm working so hard at the moment. I want to get as much done now as I can. The with-baby portion of this entire enterprise is only 4 weeks or so and my mom will be here to help.